Love Remains

I have been quiet for a while, dealing each day and moment as it happens. This morning,  I felt much better and more at peace than the day prior. I gave myself some much overdue and needed time to be alone while Kanyon went to play with Grandma and his adoring uncle for the evening. I felt like a new woman after being home alone, and emotionally expressing freely for the evening. I stretched and did some yoga, and I sank into my grief and cried on my bedroom floor, rolling about, feeling like a small child as they do when they are free to tantrum and cry, rattle, and ramble off whatever comes. My body found positions that were bizarre and comforting at the same time. I fully acted out my grief, remembering some coaching I had received to act it out until it becomes funny. I did not laugh, but I did find a place of peace, where I knew I would be ok and that I could be still for a moment, gaining strength, and then tap into that grief again, with the energy it requires to move through it. I cried and moved with it again and cried out my desires to feel him again, Why?..., and whatever else came up for me at the time. I had my music loud, allowing me to not worry about close neighbors .
I paced the halls, the house, did a bit of clean up around my night stand, ended up with Darol's wedding ring, placed it on my thumb for a moment, smelled it and placed it back in my jewelry box, searched over Darol's night stand and picked up every little thing he left behind on it and placed it back where I found it. Went through the drawers in the table, finding love letters I had written to him, his underwear, socks, and many random things you place in your drawer intending to deal with later.
I straightened the bed, and remade the bed with the same sheets, I can't bring myself to change them yet, not wanting to wash away his scent and essence from the last time he slept in our bed at home.
Then I  turned down the bedding and made a joyful display for Kanyon to come home to along the body pillow that rests on Darol's side of the bed.  It included his teddy bear he was gifted from the memorial service, his glow worm, his helicopter, a few books and two birthday cards he has been enjoying.
I stretched and moved some more and then wound up on the floor in front of my mirror where I was able to really look at myself in the eyes and find a place of love for myself, it had been a long time since I had spent that long looking at myself in the mirror. The morning routine with a child allows for quick action, not long looking, pondering, and loving. I realized some powerful stuff for myself. I decided to look at myself as loving as I did when I looked in the eyes of Darol and give to myself the love he had always seen me in. It was empowering.
So, ya, this morning I felt like a new woman again, and found peace and calm. I also felt Darol's presence strong and it was good to have him close again. I sat on our living room couch and felt him curled up on the couch with me. Kanyon played with his trains and pointed to the picture of his dad on the wall and said dad several times; we had a lovely morning together, stretching and playing with play dough, and doing puzzles together.
We decided to go for a walk and take Kanyon's scooter out, just as we were headed out the driveway the mail carrier parked in front of the house, got out, and retrieved a package. I of course stopped and wondered if it was for me. He walked up to me and said, " I have a registered piece for Spring Allen." Handing me the box and a paper to sign at the same time. I saw the return label, Science Care and knew instantly that the box I was about to hold in my hand was indeed the remains of my husband. It was heavy to my surprise, and felt intense. I sat on the front porch with Kanyon and attemped to open the box with my keys. Not working. So into the house for scissors, and quick back out into the sun. I opened it right there in the sunshine on my front porch, Kanyon intrigued. I told him, "this contains your Daddy's ashes". I breathed deeply and time and space seemed to disappear. I first opened the small box. It contained a glass pyramid with an etching on the bottom, " He who has done his best for his own time has lived for all times." Kanyon was reaching in the box wanting to discover the surprise. I discouraged him telling him to let mommy.
I then opened the black box labeled with his name and what the contents were. I pulled out the clear plastic bag and held in my hands- the remains of my husband. Ashes and bone fragments. The ashes quite light in color. Kanyon sat next to me looking and poking the bag wanting to open it see what it was all about.  My hands felt hot and a burning sensation. I couldn't hold it for too long. I felt a few tears and placed the ashes back in the box and packed it back up in the shipping box, took it into the house and placed in on the shelf that once held the home grown wheat grass and hope of healing for my husband, and now holds images of him and a few plaques with lovely words, and a few plants. I placed the box of his remains on the shelf with his image, and the image of him is one in which his gaze looks in the direction of the box.
I quickly went back outside and encouraged Kanyon to go on our walk together. I walked. Kanyon scooted on his scooter, and I said, "Come on Scooter Pie", his dad's favorite endearing phase to our little guy.
And just like that, a surreal dream, in where a body no longer exists and the love lingers on. Letting go of a body you've loved so deeply is hard. Receiving the transformed body remains delivered to your door, is oddly comforting and shocking at the same time, reality settling in, and in a way my husband's body is now home.