What do you do with a closet full of his clothes, that he will never come home to wear again?
What do you do with a room full of his electronics, and stuff?
What do you believe in when the one thing you put all your belief in didn't happen, and the miracle that your heart longed for, begged for, and pleaded, wasn't granted?
"Send a Question in the wind,
It's hard to know where to begin......" -Song by Sia, Lullaby
What's it like each passing day, with each holiday or anniversary without your beloved?
I long for time to stand still and for my moments to linger, for each day that passes by and each holiday, brings me more aware of the truth of how long it's been since I kissed his lips, felt his touch, and looked into his eyes.
Each mile mark that Kanyon takes or has is wonderful and in the same breath filled with sadness because Darol isn't there to celebrate with me.
Today is our 6 year Wedding Anniversary and New Year's eve. I morn the loss of our dreams that didn't and won't happen of traveling abroad together, raising Kanyon together, becoming pregnant together this year, and growing old together. Life trumps on like it or not, parties are held, seasons change, snow falls, and the end of the Year is here.
Soon it will be the one year marker of Darol's transition day. I dread this day, it's the first of many if I am lucky enough to keep my commitment to stay this life out and be here for Kanyon and make my life count for something.
How can life be so exquisitely beautiful, wonderful, and in the same moment so intensely painful at the same time?
Possible? Yes. I have experienced it this year.
As you can see I have many more questions than I have answers for.
This last few weeks of my Birthday, Christmas, and then Darol's Birthday was difficult, Darol's birthday in particular. Sometimes it feels like I am walking in a dream- in a zombie type mode, simply going through the motions, only half alive, depressed, angry, and then a hard cry will finally break the zombie and wake me up to the aliveness in me again, and I can once again feel the joy that is constant around me.
I have a theory, and I have come by it through this experience with Darol, I happened upon it while we were at the healing center after Darol had his seizure, I had a breakdown in my car and cried so hard I thought my eyes were going to fall out or that I was simply going to cry so hard I couldn't breath again. After I had that emotional clearing of a cry of that depth, I could once again laugh and feel true joy. Not just the laugh at someones joke or put on a happy face kind of smile, but a real smile. I ran back to Darol and shared my discovery and theory, "If you can't Cry, you can't Laugh, and if you can't laugh, you can't Live."
I find this true. I witnessed Darol shut down not only physically, but emotionally as well. Perhaps, this is simply the process of death and transitioning.
I read in an article about the producers of the T.V. episode The Biggest Loser, that the double digit weight loss weeks were always superseded by a breakdown. The producer said that Tears always weigh more than the fat on your body.
My advice to myself, Cry more and more often. I really believe that it is healthy to cry daily, just as much as it is to laugh. It's not an easy thing to do in a culture where crying is reserved for alone moments. Kanyon doesn't like me crying much, he tells me, "Mom, Be Happy." I listen to him and I give myself a few moments to cry, letting him know that it's ok to be sad and to cry, and to miss Daddy Cakes, and then I get back into the reality of-now- filled with a joyful little boy who is growing all too fast. It's a fine balance and only the person having the cry can know when it's complete for the moment or needs to be shelved for later, or taken deeper and dealt with in that now moment before it's forever stuffed and hard walls form, all without being swept away into the depression despair department.
It's hard to know where to begin, and it's also hard to know where to end.
Perhaps this is why we have endings to our years and beginnings of new ones.
Yet the year doesn't really end, time continues on, we just call it something different.
Kinda like love, it doesn't end, it just looks different.
Celebrating Success of The Studio up and Running again!
I am grateful for the blessings I have in my life and I am doing my best to celebrate my life, in spite of my grief and not liking the outcome with Darol. I am feeling stronger and have made progress to continue to move forward in my life. My studio being up and running again is worth celebrating! How can I not smile when I look at that beautiful Kanyon Smile?
He is such a super STAR! I am so thankful for him every day!
