A whirlwind of events and things to do, wondering when and how to create the time to check in with myself to see how do I do?
It's moment to moment, some days better than others, the shock has subsided a bit.
Kanyon has been riding his own wave of course and a brave little man indeed. I have observed him go through anger, compassion, crying, and being strong and bold for his mom.
He is brilliant indeed.
I find Kanyon says often, "Go HOME. Go HOME." when we are home. He says, "Mom, Dad, Mom, Dad" often. I don't want to put ideas in his head so I ask him what he means by, "Go HOME". Sometimes he mentions his dad shortly after...which freaks me out a bit, because of course I prefer Kanyon to stay at home with me, and I fear the thought of loosing him too.
The other day I pulled a blanket from the armoire where Darol's clothes still reside, and Kanyon stopped me from closing the doors and insisted I open them. He pointed to a shirt his dad wore often, which was originally mine, with his little finger pointing and his excited little dance, I pulled out the shirt and gave it to him, " You want your Dad's shirt." He was thrilled and put it on buttoning the buttons- I had to grab my camera and of course capture the moment with tears welling in my eyes.
When he was complete and wanted to take off the shirt, after running around in it for some time, it was my turn.
Instantly as I swung the shirt around my shoulders I felt his presence strong and his embrace. I sunk into it and couldn't hold back the tears mixed with gratitude and sadness. I settled into the floor and cried propped against the bed, with Kanyon nestling into my lap, saying, "Mom cry." We comforted each other and snuggled. I slept in his shirt and wore it well into the next day. A day full of dance and emotional movement literally-singing, screaming, jumping on the trampoline, crying, punching the air, kicking, punching the couch (Kanyon joined me in couch cushin punching), until I was completely tuckered out.
This week has been filled with magical moments and a few really needed emotional releases of my own.
I didn't realize when I moved into my neighborhood how many widows were surrounding us. There are no accidents. The neighbors are wonderfully sweet and supportive, forgiving my long lawn and weeds gone wild.
I found myself reminiscing over the loves I have lived, and remembered that I was once engaged to a man who was a fresh widower of only months. So- I know what it's like to be on the other end of that type of relationship, and recognize that I had no clue as to what he may have been going through. I thought he was bipolar, now I question that and wonder if it was simply grief, coming out in ways that I was not equipped to recognize.
I began my starter seeds for the garden and they were looking really lovely, then I left them out and lost them all to a cold, hard, night.
I feel so overwhelmed at times, with duties, emotions, and I have so many wonderful opportunities opening up to me, I feel I barely have time to digest one experience before the next one comes flooding in. I can only describe it as wave that I ride... like an incoming tide, sometimes it is soft and smooth, and at other times choppy and wild leaving me battered and feeling bruised. The wave always seems to find a peace and calm after a bit of a storm, and then I am left washed, strong, and vibrant once again.
I have never felt as alive, vibrant, and numb, vulnerable, weak, strong and powerful, sexy and secure, wild and graceful all in the same day as I have experienced in these last four months since my foundation was shook to the deepest depths and core, on that day he took his final breath.
I am blessed and touched to witness Kanyon as he grows and to recognize and feel grateful for my own growth.
