Married?

Over the weekend at a fabulous party, I found myself perplexed when I was asked the question, "So, are you married?" I stood there checking in with myself to find a way to answer this simple question, that in that moment felt so complicated. "Yes. .....Yes. I am." nodding my head slowly, as I reaffirmed that I am indeed married in my heart. The person asking the question came in close, held my hands and with kind eyes asked what I meant. "I am a widow, he passed in January." The response was shock and a hug.

Not a day, or hardly moments that go by that I am not thinking of him.

Yesterday I found myself chasing Kanyon around on one of his riding toys, I was riding one and he another. I rode into the bedroom and turned around to go out. In passing, I stopped at the armoire that holds all of Darol's clothes. Pulled out a drawer and smelled the roses. Kanyon joined me in smelling his daddy, he pulled out a few undies and put them back. Kanyon went off and I stood there with the doors open and held his clothes. I full on hugged them and sank into them as I cried, allowing them to hold me back. I felt Darol standing there and felt him among his clothes.

Kanyon came in and pulled me into his world with a hug and a tug, " Sorry Mom....Come Mom. Come.""

2 am Poem Rant

Am I doing ok?
Am I doing fine?
Wait....Let me check the time.
I am doing, doing, getting things done..
Is this my life? What happened to my hone?
Breathe. Remember to breathe.

A whirl wind rushes in, as I felt it for a moment,
Suddenly I am swept up and away into the next wave moments,
So I ride it, this wave, with its up and downs, 
I can barley keep up, sometimes I fear I may drown.

The Ring, Ring, Bling, Bling,
How did I get myself into this thing,
Is it worth my sweat, my time, precious time,
Is it?
I ask, while I look for my mind.

My heart, and my freedom, time for me?
to be in this life,
I just want to Be.
To Take time to breathe,
to listen to the soft sound of my son as he says, " Mom"... Wanting my attention,
to play and be free, to feel the sand beneath my feet,
Desires To feel again his hug, his skin, and his kiss upon my chin.

Every little detail comes rushing in.
Remembering the sweet sound of his voice, and the taste of his skin.
The way he stood with his hands placed just so,
Tapping the floss as he hands it to me, the sound his feet as he walks in the room,
The ways he sweeps me off my feet and handles a broom.
Yummy treats and things to eat, a Delicious feast whipped up in a jiffy, and no- he wasn't nifty.

I'd mind not -to loose a thousand lids and clean up a thousand more messes, just to have him alive and well again.
I'd give just about everything, every diamond ring, just to hear him sing.

I searched as a small child for ' The World's Greatest Dad',
Bought a broach to give to this man....kept it for many years.
Yes!- I Found this man and Yes I did give it to him,
When our son was born.
He didn't live long enough for our small boy to say
these four words to him and smile with joy. 

Sad But True
Now-What do I Do?.
Will this Blue bird of Happiness come visit you?

I dream of him often, this I do, and it's not quite the same, yet
it will have to do.

Dream land is calling
So off I go- with my little lad
at the nipple,
We are off  hoping to greet him.

As my head meets the pillow, my heart calls to him once more,
as I give thanks for another day that I was graced to watch as my son play.