Purple Soldier, Crazy 8

Spent the evening over at my mom's house watching movies, while Kanyon played with all the toys, and watched Care Bears. We watched Julie and Julia, a film Darol had downloaded among others to entertain us during the crazy roller coaster we were riding during his disease. My mom had purchased the movie and had not seen it yet. It was a great movie, I love that it is based on two real stories,  it involves a blog, and a love story of  great husbands supporting their great wives. My heart celebrated with the film and broke at the same time, longing and knowing that my wonderful husband, biggest cheerleader, and shoulder to lean on is no longer their in the flesh. The film goes through scenes of the married couples lives together, the things that make it all right, sweet, good, tender, and real, from moments in bed talking before sleep, to emotionally stressed out, basket case, freak out sessions with the wife and the husband being the strong stable rock to find footing and legs to stand strong again.

 

Us in Chicago 2004

   The night Darol proposed to me on the beach with the ring 2004.

I have felt, seen and experienced the dynamic power of committed couples and what they can accomplish together and how they raise one another up to standing taller. As I watched the film, I wonder how I can now stand in my greatness and reach for my dreams now without that strong physical greatness, and stick- to- it- ivness that Darol provided. I know I will be fine- and that I will not do it alone, I have many wonderful people who love and support me, and I won't give up. And at the same time it is not the same, it never will be. The long tender hugs, having him hold my hand, brushing our teeth together, planting our garden, and planning our lives, photographing his beautiful face, feeling him kiss my forehead, and simply walking side by side, I miss it all. My mom said, "You'll be fine, you just will." Bless her heart, I know I will, and I don't want to settle for 'just fine'- I want to be extraordinary, and that's how Darol made me feel, and our love together was and still is extraordinary, I just want him back in his healthy beautiful body, it was much more fun that way.

 

The magical, fairy tale weekend we became an "US"

2002

 

I came home and lay my sleeping baby down in bed. I found in the bathroom tub his purple bubble soldier container with the bubble wand and purple neck string, and a white heart shaped attachment for the string to Soldier, that he received as a gift from one of the wonderful women in the kitchen at the PH Miracle Center, where his daddy was struggling daily to live. How ironic that he got a purple soldier, and what a little soldier he has been through this difficult nightmare. He has blown joy into every area he can and continues to catch the bubbles of joy that float through the air. As I pick up his purple soldier, I know that I too, have been blessed and protected by a purple soldier. Literally, I have worn the color every day since his death, enveloping me in the purple acts as a shield, a protection... I feel of loss of how to put it into words with.

Kanyon says, "Hold me, hold me." often. It melts my heart and we hold each other several times daily. Today we sat in the car before going into grandmas listening to the radio and holding each other as I cried.

Friday, Feb. 5th was the official 4 week mark since Darol's death. The evening prior I was up late, I was drawn to his ashes again and was inspired to photograph the box and his ashes, and hold his ashes. I held them in my hands and wept. My right palm near my wrist felt painful, time stopped, and every sense in me was alive and on point, yet still in shock and disbelief of what I held in my hands. I can hardly believe he is gone from his body and that a month has passed. Time warps.

 

 

The next morning came fast with only 5 hours of sleep. We had friends come over to support us, and we had a lovely celebration. I decided not to do the "To Do List" and give myself permission to play and to just be. I had to remind myself several times to keep my mind from running a mile a minute and from spinning wheels around my lists and things not on the list. I have been keeping myself very busy, perhaps by choice, perhaps not, or maybe 50/50. I find a lot of paper work, and follow up accompany the time after death.

I received a massage from a friend and she shared a wonderful poem she wrote after the death of her lover, it so beautifully described what I am feeling and going through. A line from her poem spoke of the air not being the same, and that it never will be, so the need to learn how to breath a different way was called for. I realized that we share the same feelings and that the peace in knowing he is among the angels, is no real peace, but a deeper longing to see his face, and hear tales of the adventures he is on.

I dream of him often and in my dreams I am relentless in questioning him on why he was not able to stay, and what it's like where he is, and how it all fits. Darol is patient with me and listens, he doesn't answer me, at least not that I can recall. My spirit seems to get it on some level, even though my brain can't grasp it.

Darol's presence is still near. Earlier in the day,  I was searching in his office for a web cam, I  placed my hand in a box feeling around for a roundness, (the box had some other stuff on it) I felt something round, pulled it out and found a black 8 ball. Random, and yet not.

Today is the 8th of February.

 

  

"Puzzled Flight. "

Kanyon is doing very well with puzzles, it is so fun to see him grow. He loves mastering the pieces and figuring out how it all fits together. I too, am working on picking up the pieces of my life and figuring out how it all looks, how it will work out, and where each of them fit in at, knowing that eventually it will make some sort of sense and that the pieces that I am left with are the perfect pieces, no matter how difficult, no matter that this not how I wanted it, they are the pieces that I have to peace with.

The Traces We Leave Behind. What Traces will be mine?

  "Traces Left Behind"

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