Gratitude Mingles With Sadness

A Wonderful breakfast made by Darol! Yummy, Thanks lover!

Kanyon and Darol playing at the park.

Daddy Darol knows how to have a good time.

Having gratitude for this moment. 

I had a wonderful day today.  (The images above are from days prior to today, and they are just fun to share.)

I was quite productive and found time to play with Kanyon. My brother came over and played, being his birthday it was a gift to share some time with him. We went for a walk and Darol joined us. A simple gift of walking around our neighborhood which I have always enjoyed, and yet I am in hyper gratitude to be able to do this with my love today. Darol has been experiencing pain and walking has not been on the top of his list, especially since he has little body fat to keep him warm in this Utah winter weather. Today was warm and I am grateful for that. I am experiencing gratitude in the simplest pleasures of life, in holding hands, in being together, in the fact that Darol can walk,  feed himself,  is still working, and desires to live, and in the times that Darol is in little or no pain.

I am grateful for my wonderful family, extended family, and friends who continue to show up, support, and love us. I had a great conversation with one of my sisters today who called to support me, and a wonderful conversation with a dear friend of mine over a latte this evening. I was uplifted and feeling creative after our time together.

I came home to Darol being in bed. I lightly kissed him and stroked my had over his head to his legs. I was saddened to hear him say that my gentle touch hurt. I asked him where it hurt and discovered yet another lump on his head. I am not sure when it arrived. It scares me, and I feel like it is all just a bad dream. I feel so inadequate to do anything about it. I want so badly to save him, to just hold him in my arms and take it all away, to love him to wellness, to believe in healing enough, to just learn what I am to learn from this and fast, before it is too late. The image comes to mind from the animated film the Incredibles where Mr. Incredible was running through the tunnel in the volcano and was bombarded by many black bubbles that took over his body completely covering it until you could see nothing left. As I lay in bed after stroking Darol I reached out to hold his hand and felt into how scared I am, and shared this visual with him. We spoke briefly about how he is dealing with the fear, and how he is feeling, and I cried. Holding his hand I felt another lump on his palm.

I lay in bed for a while thinking. Now I type.

It's been a wave of different emotions. Yesterday, I made an appointment with the Disability office. What a surreal time this is. This just can't be happening.  I can hardly believe what I am doing and having to prepare in the event of. What a shock to be placing that call and actually making an appointment. Wow the fear that comes up even doing so.

How do I surrender, trust, and accept what is? How do we co-create something different and create a healing miracle?

Messy Times

I feel compelled to express how I am feeling and experiencing here briefly.

It has been a whirl wind of a day and week for that matter. Emotional turbulence describes it fair. I've been facing some very hard fears and reflections. I am learning how to unconditionally love when I feel rejected, violated, and unloved. I am finding acceptance for the mess of this time of my life and the mess around me. I am finding acceptance for myself in my inability to cope very well at times. I am finding acceptance for assistance from friends and family and being filled with gratitude for all of those who have and continue to show up for me and my family. I am seeking the gift/s wrapped in a nightmare of an experience and looking for the ways in which I have co-created my current experiences.  I am allowing myself space to grieve and express my anger.

I have discovered seven new metastasis on on my lover's body this week. This does not mean they all appeared this week, only that I found out of them this week.  I am not sure how much longer Darol will be able to work. He is concerned about our finances as am I. I am freaking out about what to do, how to relieve the burden, and facing the fears that surround me. I am taking steps of action to alleviate this and I still fear that it may not be enough. I placed a call with a lawyer, I am looking into setting up a gift/donation account, checking into disability, and brainstorming business ideas. Not only am I dealing with the fear of loosing my honey, I am dealing with the fear of the possible loss of time with my son and ability to raise him without resorting to full time daycare. I fear the death of my dreams and the life we have planned together. Feeling a sense of loss for the daughter we have already named and dreamed of, Autumn Lily.

I was triggered by a conversation Darol's sister had with him about hospice services and equating changes in the body monthly, weekly, or daily to how long one has to live at the end of life in her experience of cancer. Wow, what fear and terror to even begin to think of my lover in a hospital bed at home, no longer being able to walk or pick up our son. Tears well in my eyes and my heart hurts even typing these words.

"No...that's not for you! Somehow you'll escape all that waiting and staying. Somehow, you'll find the bright places where boom bands are playing."-Dr. Seuss, gives me inspiration daily as I read, Oh The Places You'll Go to Kanyon. I get more and more deep meaning out of that little book all the time.

I experienced Darol in a wonderful genuine moment of his tenderness and heart opening and expanding today and some emotional expressing. What a gift!  I feel a renewed hope for life and that is awesome.

My nephew had his ninth birthday today and we celebrated life.  His cake was WALLE themed. Wonderful movie that Kanyon loves, and a great theme of life. Nine and Alive!
  
Thank you to all of you who have supported me, Darol, and Kanyon and for your love, blessings, and time. You know who you are.

I will leave you with an inspiring piece I received today, a wonderful Insight of the Day from Bob Proctor:

A Dream World
"I look at that family, that car, that house and that job and I think, what a dream..."
I confess that years ago I gazed longingly at luxury cars. I dreamed of owning one, brand didn't matter, I wasn't picky, any one would do. I continued living in this dream world until one day I came to a simple yet powerful realization...that at one point in time a luxury car was a dream for the person who now drives it. With few exceptions, he or she didn't always have the skill or education to earn the money to buy that lavish ride. It was a dream for them...one that came to fruition through hard work and focus. I guess one could say that today, they are living a dream world?
Over time I thought more about 'living a dream world' and bringing dreams to reality, until finally I arrived at a staggering yet unmistakable conclusion that it is all a dream. In the past I glanced at a Lexus or Mercedes and thought that person is 'living in a dream world.' Over time I have expanded my thoughts to conclude that everything we see, use, consume or have is a result of a dream...let me explain.
The technology in the computer I type on at this very moment was a dream of many scientists years ago. The computer that now sits on my desk was made by a company that just a few short years ago called a garage their world wide corporate headquarters. What began as a dream of an energetic entrepreneur is now a worldwide fortune 500 company. The parts and assembly for this computer are the careful work of many hands, people who thought they would probably not be assembling computers for a living. Yet, this work lets them foster their dreams of providing a nice living for their family, an education, a new television, a daughter's wedding or a car for their teenager.
This computer now rests on my desk, one that I dreamed of having in a study that I imagined years ago. I call my study 'the room of knowing.' Its walls are lined with articles I have published, book jackets from books I have written and some awards that I have won, accomplishments I only dreamed of years ago. It is called 'the room of knowing' because I now know I can accomplish my dreams if I set my mind to it, this room reminds me of that. It could also be called the 'room of dreams,' after all, that's where it all started. I guess one could say that as I type...I am working in a dream world, a world of my dreams (the study) and others (the computer)...
As I drive to work this morning, I realize that I can run through the same 'dream' drill with my car. It was made by a company that started small...a dream. Engineers with a vision (or dream) designed it. Workers who are working a dream job because it provides for and creates their dreams assembled it. I can run the same dream drill with the STOP sign at the intersection by my home. It was put there by a crew who dreamed of working outside. In a subdivision that was a dream of a developer. Ordered by local, county and state laws, laws passed by people who dreamed of serving their community and country. The sign is in Cole County, Missouri, one of 50 states that make our great country, a country that began in the hopes, hearts and dreams of our forefathers.
I could run through the same dream thought process as I pass the local McDonalds restaurant, my CPA's office, the public library or the state capital. I could do the same with the water at my tap or the road I drive on or the Green Tea that I quietly sip but that would be redundant, you get the point, each and everything around us is part of a dream that has reached fruition. This reality proves dreams do come true. That anything we touch, have, hold or use is a result of the hopes, energies and imaginations of the ones who create it...it is part of a dream world. Focus on 'a dream world' for just five minutes today and you will realize an appreciation, astonishment and empowerment that you have not felt before...you will literally be opening your eyes, for a first time, in a dream.
"I look at that family, that car, that house and that job and I think, what a dream..."
Matt Forck
Matt Forck is a dad, husband, writer and speaker. Matt has published numerous articles on a variety of topics, and has authored several books. You may check out Matt's books or reach him through his web site: www.thecallproject.org


Sent to you as a courtesy of:

Bob Proctor


This also brought me inspiration today:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o8DeBePK3Wg&feature=related

Heart Aches

Last week I found myself upbeat and tapping into my creative power and joy from time to time, finding my optimism again.  This morning felt different. I guess a week of seeing my lover in pain and depression finally hit me hard today.
My heart aches and waves of emotions flood me, to the point I sometimes go into denial being busy with this and that, and fearing that if I really do explore deeply the intense emotions I am feeling and facing that I will be engulfed by them and will be rendered useless. Then as I write these words I know they are the very source of energy that will allow me to move forward.
Today was an exceptionally difficult day. My lover is in pain from his tumors and my baby, Kanyon is feverish with a runny nose. Then to top it all off -I had the opportunity to give Darol a massage during his lunch at home; touching, seeing, and feeling his body has always been a pleasure, and this time it was bitter sweet. I was confronted with all my senses of how serious and overwhelming all this is. Discovering new lumps, I was unaware of, and feeling, seeing my lover be in pain, and feeling so helpless and out of control. I focused my attention on loving him and bringing him some physical relaxation. Not an easy task when Kanyon wants to nurse me at the same time. What a moment to remember, as Kanyon says, " DAD", and wants to touch and rub his daddy too. Darol is journeying through physical pain, and no doubt emotional too. I am journeying through much pain myself although it is different.
Darol came home from work today and went straight to bed. Kanyon has been sleeping too.

(The three of use dressed to join a party at the place Kanyon was born in the early evening. )

My heart is filled with sadness as the changes in our lives already are setting in. Darol not feeling well, did not join Kanyon and me for his first Trick or Treating experience on Halloween. It's difficult to even begin to feel the pain let alone express what  is coming up for me. In many ways I feel as if I am being eased into what it's like to be a single parent. I fear this intensely. So many layers and levels came up for me with Darol missing out on this experience with Kanyon. I fear he will not get another opportunity to see our son light up with excitement on Halloween night and receive all the treats in store at every door.
Our 7 year anniversary of being an US was this weekend yet a lot of stuff (like figuring out what Darol will eat, chores, laundry, etc.) gets in the way of actually being together. Darol remembered our anniversary and reminded me of it when he mentioned that the IPod he gifted me (and I knew he had ordered) was just in time for our anniversary. I looked at him puzzled thinking of our wedding anniversary which is several months ahead. Than it hit me...I had actually forgotten, really forgotten. I had been so consumed with everything else that has been going on and doing the best to keep it together each day, that it didn't even cross my mind. I typically celebrate monthly our togetherness, so this was way out of the usual Springdome. It felt great the he was the one to bring it up and remember. The fact that he remembered was better than getting an ipod. I do like the ipod. Thanks Love!
When I told Darol that I forgot he didn't believe me...at first. I didn't feel bad about not doing anything for it. The main thing for us is to give the recognition of our love and mark the time we have covered together.
I feel it's time for a date night.
Time for bed too.