In Mesa, Marry Magic Blue Moon Wish

I have joined Darol in Mesa, AZ now. I was inspired to fly out on his birthday the 28th of Dec. I felt the urgency when I spoke wiht him the day before and he informed me that he could no longer stand on his own.
His sister told me they were arranging a wheelchair for him. I connected with Dr. Young and was informed to get Darol on a feeding tube ASAP, and to go be with my husband right away.

I contacted a wonderful friend and asked her to join me on my journey to support me with Kanyon and my emotionally turbulent time. .She has been a Godsend.

I was shocked to see my lover's health decline so rapidly in the week we were apart. I have not taken any pictures of him because it is a tender time and he is in a fragile state. His facial bones are very prominent and he is thinner. I also noticed a few more tumors since our time together last.  He is still such a beautiful man even though he has changed so much with his weight loss and has many tumors. He reminds me of Jesus, how he looked on the cross in some of the images I have seen. Darol once posed for a painter who was commissioned to paint pictures of Jesus for a major church. He's been the closest thing I know of Jesus.

It was wonderful to be with him on his birthday and to see my sweet ocean eyes again. He shared with me that he had been having some good days and some scary days and that he was glad I was there with him, which made my heart melt. Just holding his hand, and rubbing his feet are such sweet gifts.

Darol's family has all come together and are supporting him in the best ways they know how. They have been very sweet to me and opened their homes, car, and hearts to us.

I still can't believe this is happening.

Today we finished discussing and signing the living will documents.

Darol is still holding on and hopeful about his future. I am scared. I don't want to loose him. He has been and is the sweetest, most magical, wonder maker in my world and for every one he graces paths with.

Darol went for a colonic today. It was rough on him, he experienced a lot of pain, even with all the morphine and comfort measures we provided. I was drained by the time we got back. Mostly emotionally, but my body felt it too.

Darol is doing the best he can eating and drinking, although it is not very much. Darol assures me that we will have many more magical days to come. God I hope he's right.

The way his body is responding now is not in alignment with that.

I don't know how long I will get with him. All I know is that I love him, he is here now, and I can still dream and visualize him being  miraculously  healed. My heart wants this intensely.

Our 5 Year wedding anniversary is today and tomorrow. We always had to celebrate it for more than one day. It all started out that fairy tale three day weekend we became an "US" and I knew on that magical weekend that he was THE ONE as he brushed the sand off my fresh beach feet, while he knelt down and used my socks to get every last grain out from between my toes and then put my shoes on for me.

New Years Eve 5 Years ago we were on the beach of Santa Barbara celebrating in the night with a huge yellow full moon in the sky with friends and family our official union. This year I know it is yet another full moon night, a special one indeed, a blue moon. I am making my wish this night as we finish our year and begin another for the healing of my husband. The plan is to spend the night in bed with him, a sweet treat indeed, we have not slept in the same bed since, we left our home in SLC over 4 weeks ago. I am looking forward to sharing that sacred space with him on a magical evening and ringing in the new year.

At home with Seperation and Sorrow.

I am home now, settling in from the trip. I will post photos of Kanyon and I in Vegas when I get them onto my computer.

Darol is now in Mesa, AZ with his brother caring for him. They have set up hospice for him and now have him on Morphine. I actually spoke with Darol after 2 days of not hearing from him since our parting. He was in euphoria being drugged and in some relief of pain. He sounded joyful, and faded in and out of consciousness on the phone. Almost as if he was falling asleep. When I would say his name and ask if he was there he would come to and actually carry on a conversation. He was actually able to discuss biz matters shortly and update me on his status. Even though he was fading in and out, he spoke more to me than he did while we were at the PH Miracle Center in Cali. Pain does some crazy things.

I am still in shock and can hardly fathom that my husband is in another state on hospice care.

Tomorrow is my Birthday. I have a massage session scheduled which will be healing, and much overdue.

I usually send out fun Christmas cards with photos of our family. Not this year.

Going Home

Tomorrow I leave this beautiful center and go home to SLC, UT. Darol will drive with his brother, and his mom to Mesa, AZ, where he will be for an indefinite amount of time. Darol wants to be where he will be cared for by his family in a warm climate, and he wants some alone time from me and Kanyon. He says he wants to separate which emotions are his and which are mine. He also says that Kanyon is too much "stress" to have around with him playing and falling on his feet occasionally, causing his tender body intense pain. My heart is breaking and I can no longer allow Kanyon to hear his dad and brother talk about Kanyon like that in front of him.

I am sad to spend my birthday, Christmas, Darol's birthday, and our 5 yr wedding anniversary apart, and yet at the same time I am looking forward to being in my own space to be able to grieve, and see my mom and family again.

I am looking for the gift in this. I am grateful that Darol's family is so attentive to him and will care for him, and that I don't have to do it all myself- the truth is I simply can't do it alone and be a wonderful mommy.  In the same breath or one shortly after, I feel that I am being robbed of this intimate time. I also see that it will be a healing reprieve for me, since I have been in the thick of it for almost 4 months solid now. Reality check I must trust that it is all somehow for my highest good. Even though, right now it sucks really big toad toes.

How's that for some truth?

Great News! Plus Magic pictures.

Yesterday Darol had his blood tested by Dr. Young and his blood looks 100% better than it did when he first tested it before we came to the center! It's working! Yes, he still has symptoms of the cancer and many tumors covering his body. It's like it was growing at a rate of 100,000 miles/hour and we have now slowed it to like 50,000 miles. No we are not looking at radiation at this point. We still get to hear from the neurosurgeon in NYC, and see what he recommends. I'll post when I hear from him. The great news is that Darol's blood is building and looking much better than it did before! What does this mean, it means that his blood is looking good and building and blood builds everything in our body including the immune system and lymphocytes that clean the body, so the stronger his blood the stronger every cell, tissue, and organ of his body.Another great news it that Darol finally had a good cry last night! I am so happy and thankful for him to have had that emotional release!
We are still at the healing center and will be until Monday morning... likely. I hesitate even typing a plan, because we are going from moment to moment and things change so quickly. I have had to be really present with what is and be ok with not knowing what and where I will be. My Birthday, Christmas, Darol's birthday, and our Wedding Anniversary, I don't know where we will be. The tentative plan is to go to Mesa, AZ where Darol has family and can assist in his care and support and where it is warmer than SLC, UT.

Below I have Pictures that show the magic in my life is still glowing. 

 

Flowers and Kanyon the night of Darol's seizure.

Darol before getting the good news....................Beware Darol says he has his shirt off and doesn't want to scare anyone.........................

Kanyon Hides in Mommies Shirt.  

Kanyon Kisses Daddy!

Checking Darol's blood. Darol with Inas our wonderful caring coordinator & Dr. Young's right hand, and Dr. Young.Here's to Greens! Eat and Drink your Greens!

What a divine location to heal.

Inas and Kanyon. She adores him and we adore her. Even if Kanyon's trying to come to mommy.

Kanyon plays trains on his daddy.

Nice light in the kitchen.

Cindy one of the massage therapists.

Kanyon and Uncle Scott

 
Fun time at the beach!