Love Remains

I have been quiet for a while, dealing each day and moment as it happens. This morning,  I felt much better and more at peace than the day prior. I gave myself some much overdue and needed time to be alone while Kanyon went to play with Grandma and his adoring uncle for the evening. I felt like a new woman after being home alone, and emotionally expressing freely for the evening. I stretched and did some yoga, and I sank into my grief and cried on my bedroom floor, rolling about, feeling like a small child as they do when they are free to tantrum and cry, rattle, and ramble off whatever comes. My body found positions that were bizarre and comforting at the same time. I fully acted out my grief, remembering some coaching I had received to act it out until it becomes funny. I did not laugh, but I did find a place of peace, where I knew I would be ok and that I could be still for a moment, gaining strength, and then tap into that grief again, with the energy it requires to move through it. I cried and moved with it again and cried out my desires to feel him again, Why?..., and whatever else came up for me at the time. I had my music loud, allowing me to not worry about close neighbors .
I paced the halls, the house, did a bit of clean up around my night stand, ended up with Darol's wedding ring, placed it on my thumb for a moment, smelled it and placed it back in my jewelry box, searched over Darol's night stand and picked up every little thing he left behind on it and placed it back where I found it. Went through the drawers in the table, finding love letters I had written to him, his underwear, socks, and many random things you place in your drawer intending to deal with later.
I straightened the bed, and remade the bed with the same sheets, I can't bring myself to change them yet, not wanting to wash away his scent and essence from the last time he slept in our bed at home.
Then I  turned down the bedding and made a joyful display for Kanyon to come home to along the body pillow that rests on Darol's side of the bed.  It included his teddy bear he was gifted from the memorial service, his glow worm, his helicopter, a few books and two birthday cards he has been enjoying.
I stretched and moved some more and then wound up on the floor in front of my mirror where I was able to really look at myself in the eyes and find a place of love for myself, it had been a long time since I had spent that long looking at myself in the mirror. The morning routine with a child allows for quick action, not long looking, pondering, and loving. I realized some powerful stuff for myself. I decided to look at myself as loving as I did when I looked in the eyes of Darol and give to myself the love he had always seen me in. It was empowering.
So, ya, this morning I felt like a new woman again, and found peace and calm. I also felt Darol's presence strong and it was good to have him close again. I sat on our living room couch and felt him curled up on the couch with me. Kanyon played with his trains and pointed to the picture of his dad on the wall and said dad several times; we had a lovely morning together, stretching and playing with play dough, and doing puzzles together.
We decided to go for a walk and take Kanyon's scooter out, just as we were headed out the driveway the mail carrier parked in front of the house, got out, and retrieved a package. I of course stopped and wondered if it was for me. He walked up to me and said, " I have a registered piece for Spring Allen." Handing me the box and a paper to sign at the same time. I saw the return label, Science Care and knew instantly that the box I was about to hold in my hand was indeed the remains of my husband. It was heavy to my surprise, and felt intense. I sat on the front porch with Kanyon and attemped to open the box with my keys. Not working. So into the house for scissors, and quick back out into the sun. I opened it right there in the sunshine on my front porch, Kanyon intrigued. I told him, "this contains your Daddy's ashes". I breathed deeply and time and space seemed to disappear. I first opened the small box. It contained a glass pyramid with an etching on the bottom, " He who has done his best for his own time has lived for all times." Kanyon was reaching in the box wanting to discover the surprise. I discouraged him telling him to let mommy.
I then opened the black box labeled with his name and what the contents were. I pulled out the clear plastic bag and held in my hands- the remains of my husband. Ashes and bone fragments. The ashes quite light in color. Kanyon sat next to me looking and poking the bag wanting to open it see what it was all about.  My hands felt hot and a burning sensation. I couldn't hold it for too long. I felt a few tears and placed the ashes back in the box and packed it back up in the shipping box, took it into the house and placed in on the shelf that once held the home grown wheat grass and hope of healing for my husband, and now holds images of him and a few plaques with lovely words, and a few plants. I placed the box of his remains on the shelf with his image, and the image of him is one in which his gaze looks in the direction of the box.
I quickly went back outside and encouraged Kanyon to go on our walk together. I walked. Kanyon scooted on his scooter, and I said, "Come on Scooter Pie", his dad's favorite endearing phase to our little guy.
And just like that, a surreal dream, in where a body no longer exists and the love lingers on. Letting go of a body you've loved so deeply is hard. Receiving the transformed body remains delivered to your door, is oddly comforting and shocking at the same time, reality settling in, and in a way my husband's body is now home. 

Memorial

 

Thanks to my friend Evan for creating this beautiful piece. CLICK image to view larger.

Memorial to Celebrate Darol

Donations

Many have asked how to make donations. 
If you feel so inspired Donate to:

Darol Allen Donations 
at
Zions Bank Sugarhouse Office
2200 Highland Drive, SLC, UT 84106.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you!

The Last Camera Kisses Of My Beloved

 

My beloved Darol Jay Allen transitioned from his physical form on January 8, 2010  at 8:00 pm.

My sweet lover, husband, hero, friend, and father to our son Kanyon,  loved the Arizona sunsets.

His last day really does deserve to be told. Although I did not take any pictures, his last day in his body was a bitter sweet celebration surrounded with his family and friends gathered at his brother Deon's house. They all came, sat with Darol, told stories of Darol, cried with Darol, made tamales, fish, fresh salsa, soup, and held a feast. Darol's friend Jeff from his high school days who played his guitar at our wedding came and played melodies by his bed, and Maria sang a few beautiful songs for him. One being, "The Rose".  I know he enjoyed it. He moaned a moan of joy different from his other moans of pain as she sang.  Just the way Darol would have wanted it.

I received the call early in the morning from Darol's sister that he was on his last breath. Shaking, I ended the call and rushed out of the house, and sped to Deon's place. I arrived and Darol's eyes were open, he had family there in the room and they made way for me to be by his side, and gave me some time alone with him.  Instantly, when I walked into the room I locked eyes with him. "There's my Ocean eyes!" I endearingly spoke to him. He was unresponsive and did not move his body. I held his hand and he could not squeeze it back. I knew he was there and was looking intently at me, and I know he could hear me and my words. Kanyon followed in shortly after cuddled in on my lap as I nursed him. Darol's eyes looked fondly at him and I nursing for a long last gaze. Kanyon jumped up shortly and left the room. I stayed with Darol and kept my eyes with his. I spoke from my heart words of love and how he inspired my life, and made it all so magic, and set him free. I told him Kanyon and I would be fine, and that I would always love him, that I am with him all the way, and it is ok to let go. I reminisced about our love filled magic world and how proud of him I am, and to be his wife, the mother of our child. I spoke gratitude to him for every moment we shared. I let him know that he taught me unconditional love.

He relaxed his tense body and closed his eyes and began to go deep. I prayed silently for the angels, and fairies, guides, and universe to come and that he let go quickly and that it be peaceful.  I stayed with him the majority of the day, with short breaks to use the restroom, breath, nurse Kanyon, and eat a few bites of food. I cuddled next to him for some time in the bed and sang to him, and spoke more words of love to him. I rubbed lavender oil as well as some other comforting oils on him. Touched him gently, kissed him a thousand kisses, and cried with him.  He did not open his eyes again until his last few breaths that evening, when he opened his right eye partially, and I locked my sight on it. I wondered and even spoke aloud the question of  do you think he can see me. But I know he could, even though only partially open was his eyelid and he was receiving a blue baby saliva sucker extraction from his mouth performed by his sister, I just kept locked on his eye, watched his breath which had been stopping regularly for some time for 5 seconds, then increased to 10-12 seconds, and then a few more breaths, and this last breath exhaled as his sister sucked out excess saliva and he simply did not start again. I kept watching, and waiting, and after a few moments I said to the lovingly chattering, chuckling room of  his friend Howard who had just flown in and family who were chuckling about a shared story of Darol, " Do you realize he is no longer breathing?" His sister checked for a pulse and sure enough he was not. I kept watching, waiting for his breath. It happened so fast, so peaceful, I almost missed it, like a kit on a string slipping away while you run around daydreaming and then look back and your kite is gone with the wind. I was holding his hand, sitting in the second chair next to his head, his sister in the first, but it was the perfect place for me to be in his vision with out strain.

Somehow I ended up close to his face in the closest chair to him and got close to his face kissed him on the forehead and hand and said, "Go to the light my love, you are free." Kanyon came in immediately and sat on my lap, nursed and I cried. I told Kanyon, "Daddy has transitioned now and is no longer with us in physical form. You already know that." Later, Maria told me that Kanyon knew, he was playing and then suddenly began urgently saying, "Mom, Mom, Mom" and she brought him into me. He sat for a bit of time and then went out of the room when he was ready.

I sat there and sobbed deeply for I don't know how long. I stayed in the room with him for over an hour. I called my mom and let her know as I sat in the room and I noticed the time, I was surprised an hour had passed.

Hospice was called,  a woman came (a different woman from earlier in the morning when they were called), the lights came on and she had paperwork. She called the Science Care body donation center and arranged for them to come pick up his body. She left. I spent more time in the room with Darol and dimmed the lights again.

My sister, her husband and son, and my brother just flew in and were being picked up by Darol's sister. They just missed him by an hour. It was good to be embraced by them. Roaming in and out of the room in a dazed sort of way in disbelief that my lover is no longer with me in physical, form. My phone rang near 11:30pm and it was the Science Care Center looking for the house. I went to the curb to flag them in. They woke a neighbor, they had the wrong address. ( Ya. you can laugh here. Although I did not at the time. Can you imagine some guys showing up at your door waking you up, giving their condolences, asking where's the body?)

They were very kind gentlemen dressed in suites and they had paper work.

They got their equipment and we went into the room. I should have taken a picture of the guy in a suite with the black gloves on. It reminded me of some scene from some movie where the mafia man Guido comes to take care of the body.

They were very gentle with my lovers body and with a white sheet they covered him and gently rolled his body toward them tucked the sheet under him and then rolled him back over. I watched as his frail legs were being covered and wrapped and I could no longer watch any more, I had to leave the room. I went into the living room where my sister and brother were and waited for them to bring him out onto the stretcher where we could say one last goodbye to his body. It was so hard to let go of his body even though I know he was no longer in it. I thanked his body for serving him well and for allowing me to love it for the time I had with it. I even kissed his feet sometime during the hours before they came to get him. I was surprised that his body was warm and only began to cool when they were ready to take him.

I stood from the arm of the couch where I had been sitting when one of the gentlemen carried him out, like a baby wrapped in a white blanket. They had his head uncovered, it was like a firefighter was carrying him, then he gently placed him on the stretcher and put a pillow under his head. I kissed his forehead again, and then grabbed some scissors and cut a few locks of his hair giving him his last hair cut. They covered his face and then covered his body with a brown native looking blanket, Darol would have liked it. Then they rolled him away. As I followed them out to the front porch and watched through the grapefruit trees as they loaded him in the van. They started the van and drove away. My sister latter informed me that as soon as they did start the vehicle to drive away Kanyon woke up crying loudly, they brought him to me and I held him there and cried with him on my shoulder and me on my sisters shoulders.

These images of my beloved Darol were taken on our 5 year anniversary, Jan. 1, 2010.

The last pictures I have of us kissing. My favorite kind.

 

Darol You are so Juicy!

 

I stilll feel him with me and I know he is whispering love into my ears daily. Thank you my love for the most magical love life I could have ever loved to live. I only wish that I could have had you so much longer in physical form, made love to you longer, held you longer, and had more babies with you.

Cheers to my wonderful mate, lover, friend , husband, baby's daddy, and the sweetest man I know, Darol Jay Allen, who lived every moment of his life out loud. He transitioned  January 8th, at 8 pm, 2010, he lives forever in my heart and in my son. Love you picked the perfect date and time, symbolizing infinite love, that's just who you are.

Sleepy Time Posting

It's late. I am tired. I have an early morning rise to take Darol to a Dr. Visit. And all I can do is look at the pictures of the day over and over again. I was with Darol for a good part of the day today. He had a hard day. He has slowed down quite a bit, and I had a moment this morning where I thought I was going to loose him, and my heart panicked, his eyes were open yet it was as if he had gone somewhere else. I spoke his name and he came back. Holly the hospice nurse came in today we had a bit of a chat and later in the afternoon I found Deon whispering with tears to Darol in his ear, forehead to temple, and telling Darol that Holly did not expect him to last past Monday. It was beautiful to see his brother's love for him, and I cried behind my camera and did what I do best, photograph what I see of the beauty before me.

I want to believe that a miracle will happen and my heart doesn't ever want to give up on my beloved and yet his body is saying that it doesn't want to go on.

My beloved fighting ninja.

 

 

 I love it when he looks at me with that adoration in his eyes. What a gift of the day to see him look at me that way. My favorite photo of the day. Thanks to Deon for capturing it.

pretty much how I am feeling now.

 Front yard of peace and refuge. The "blues" swing.

Maria speeks to her love. 

Darol's friend Jeff, from high school playing melodies on his guitar. It's so surreal, he came and played with us during our wedding and now during this transition in our lives.

Darol as he relaxes and listens.

 Airplanes! We see lots of airplanes fly over all day. Airplanes have been part of our life these days. 

Gratitude Dude Attitude

I am in such Gratitude for my wonderful friend Maria who has joined me on this journey to Mesa where my husband is physically struggling to live daily. Maria has been such a gift. She is fun, silly, and grounded with many wonderful gifts she freely shares often. Her voice and singing skills are enough to make me want to just bask in her sunshine daily! I have really been blessed with wonderful friends in my life. I am grateful to be spending so much intimate time with Maria and getting to know her on a much deeper level. She brings a spirit of calm to this insanely messy time and reminds me that no matter what happens I will be ok and that everything will work out for my highest good. She has giving so much of herself to me and Kanyon and always knows what I need before I ask. Thank you Maria for the gift you are!

 

I am in such Gratitude for Kanyon. He always has Fun, No Matter What! He teaches me the key to this fun bliss is to be really honest and hold nothing back...nope not even a tantrum.

He also teaches me that friends can be found everywhere and anywhere I go. He makes it easy and so enjoyable.

I am grateful for the wonderful night I was gifted to spend with Darol and Kanyon in the same bed and then receiving the beautiful,  yummy breakfast made by my artist bro Deon. I am also grateful to Darol's mom who lent me her vehicle while I am here so I can get around. I am in deep gratitude for my sister Daneen who opened her heart and home to me, Kanyon, and Maria while I am her. She even made us breakfast saturday morning that was scrumptious. I am grateful for my sister Diane who found a wheel chair for Darol and has assisted me in getting closing life documents ready, as well as being there for Darol. I am grateful that Darol's dad Dan is here making meals and supporting him and us with yummy foods. Deon also works many moments in the kitchen. I am in gratitude for my other Sister Dori for being there for Darol as well. In fact all of Darol's Family has come together and it is magic to watch how the beauty is unfolding and all of them are giving Darol their all and their love. They all come and rub his feet or touch him or take him to appointments or vacuum the house, or make meals, or do whatever needs to be done. My heart swells as I witness such love all around me. I am in gratitude for my sister Louise for her support and loving Darol and Kanyon and me. She pulls out all her wonderful toys that her babies played with when they were young and even sat down with Kanyon and played blocks with him. She is taking on a mountain to maintain a peaceful wonderful place for Darol to rest and heal, and I love her spirit and the fact that she is not giving up on him. Deon my brother, Louise's husband, is also amazing, he is a wonderful nurse made and support for his brother. I wish I could show you all how beautiful he works with Darol. Yesterday I was able to get Darol into the sun and then give him a shower. Deon assisted me in getting him into the shower, and what a beautiful moment to witness the dance of Darol and Deon as he slowly, lovingly, and gently held the weight of Darol's arms around his neck and slowly walked with him from the wheel chair and into the shower where a chair was waiting. Tears fill my eyes in knowing that this is what love looks like and what a bitter sweet moment it was. I am grateful that I got to shower naked with my love again, even though it included me gently bathing my love in a way I never imagined I would.

The Fire Dance of Love.

The Artist Chef Deon Decorates Darol's meal with edible flowers.

Grapefruit and artichoke. 

Darol's beautiful hands as he eats! Yay!

 He ate all of the food from picture above and wanted more!!!!! Yippy!

I see you!

I am grateful to be with Darol. I am grateful every time he eats and drinks. I am grateful when Kanyon gets to play near his daddy and kisses him and says, "bye, Dad, Bye...bye Dad!" when we leave the house.  I am in gratitude that I see easily now why Darol chose to come to Mesa where his family is and be cared for here. I am in gratitude that as I was massaging Darol the other day he stopped me, by reaching for my hand and brought it to his lips and kissed it for a long, soft, slow kiss of gratitude.

Meet Yule, our new friend who found his way into Maria's suitcase though the handy dandy little sister Zina as a good luck charm watcher outer.
Yule has been berry busy keeping watch over all of us.

Yule likes it here in Sunny Mesa AZ where it's warm and we can play outside. We all do. 

 

Balloon Kissed .

  Another Day of Play with Yule.

Kanyon makes friends everywhere he goes. 

 Live and Laugh out Loud. That is what life is for. Oh, and get wet every chance you get.