I came home late this evening after a wonderful time spent celebrating the 2 year anniversary of a very special group of women entrepreneurs the Biz Divas http://utbizdivas.com/. I have been blessed to be with the group, and meet monthly from the beginning and watch it grow and blossom. I have missed several months of filling my "cup" up, and surrounding myself with these other powerful business women, while tending to the immediate concerns of my family and staying by my husband's side on his journey. Something- I am so grateful that I did.
It felt good to be back and to be embraced once again, receiving hugs, loves, wisdom, and encouragement. The keynote speaker of the evening Jeannette Maw http://www.goodvibecoach.com, spoke on perfect topic for me, Intentional Manifesting. There are no accidents. I have been grappling with this intentional manifesting since I do subscribe to it and use it in my daily life, and now that I have been left with not getting what I wanted or planned for, I have been questioning everything, including this intentional manifesting. I had the opportunity to ask Jeannette, in front of a rather large group of women, even though I was nervous and feeling a bit silly, I had to ask, even though part of me, my soul part already knew the answer, my brain wants to have confirmation, and understanding, so I asked, " How does one get back on track when you don't get what you want, like in the event of loosing my husband?"
Her response was fantastic, and totally what my soul expected to hear, my brain feeling like a dope for even asking since it had been told already by said soul, yet my brain accepted the answer cowering into submission. Jeannette said, "Well, look at the bigger picture. What did you want?"
My response, " To live out my days with him."
"Are you not?" she asked.
"Yes, I am." I felt my whole being knowing that I do truly have him with me and that he really never has left me. " and I wanted it to be with the body." And that is the catch, I wanted it to be in the flesh and it looks very different than I planned, visualized, and anticipated. She went on, "Let's not discount that and the bigger picture." She went on to speak about how sometimes it's easier to have a relationship with someone that's not right in your face or not picking up their socks....and other perfect words my ears deserved to hear. And in the end I would still rather fight with him over not putting the lids on containers or what ever else we got to fight about.
Added to this post:
I came home and opened my Catalyst from January. I went through and read a few things and went over the applicable information in an article I had read earlier when I reluctantly pick it up feeling like I may not have the time to read it, and the author....Jeannette Maw! The synchronicity does not end there. I noticed after several days of having this January Catalyst and reading the article inside the cover. Sure enough the painting on the cover is of a man in a yoga pose the Crazy Eight and the piece is labeled Crazy Eight by Laurie Lisonbee, and their are eight's and figure 8's all over the golden background of this yogi. You may say ya so what's that mean. Well it is another Darol wink to me, he died on Jan. 8th at 8 pm. I felt the nudge to grab the Catalyst magazine and almost walked away from it. I am glad I listened. The contents have served me well. It was like he was speaking to me through these articles and people. Check out the Catalyst cover and contents here:
http://www.catalystmagazine.net/component/magazine/?func=show_edition&id=41
Yes- it feels and looks different, and I don't want to discount the magnificence that his passing has offered. I am grateful for the gifts and the relationship that I continue to have with Darol. He communicates to me often leaving little 'god-winks' in the form of numbers and colors, through my dreams, and sometimes through just feeling his presence. It's opened up a whole new awareness of love without boundaries and beyond a body; as well as a true knowing of what is "soul" and that I am not my body.
I did have quite a wonderful day. I received some reiki healing from a wonderful woman of Start with Love http://www.startwithlove.com and it was relaxing and centering, a whole hour and a half of me being able to just be, while Kanyon was playing with his little friend. I picked Kanyon up and spoke to two of my other wonderful theta energy friends, clearing some of the fear storms that have been raining down on me lately.
Thanks to everyone who has been part of my day! I am in deep gratitude for all those who show up to delight, love, and support me and Kanyon.
Thank you too, to Lauri who inspired me this evening by speaking highly of my blog and how profoundly it has affected her, requesting daily updates, inspiring me to type this late night entry. Thank you too, to the many others who have given me feedback on this blog of my days, and how it has affected you. It feeds me to hear those stories and how they touch others.
I am grateful too, to know and hear how many have been touched by Darol, and the celebration memorial flier.
One friend's husband keeps it on their living room mantel, and won't let his wife take it down, it brings him inspiration to live in his joy, he also uses it to teach in his class. Another friend took several fliers for his class. It's really fun to hear and know that Darol continues to live on and in the lives of others serving in a special way. Somehow it makes it all a little easier.
I went to close my blinds and noticed that it's February and I still have my Christmas tree up. And Who Cares! I left it up after attempting to take it down, and getting a clear NO! from Kanyon. He went as far as pulling out the ornaments I had taken off and putting them back up. So, I left it. He is such a cutie and I am so thankful for him in my life!!! He delights me daily. The other day at grandma's Kanyon came up and gave me a spontaneous long kiss-right on the lips, eyes open and so connected. It was the best gift!
We still make wishes, Kanyon and I. We have had a ritual while brushing our teeth at night of pulling out a candle in a walnut shell, lighting it, making a wish, and blowing it out. While Darol was journeying though melanoma, we would do this wishing, I speaking my wish aloud for Darol's complete and final healing, and Kanyon speaking his wish aloud of, "Dad." We always have to do it three times. He loves blowing out the candle. All three times, his wish is for Dad.
The first time being home brushing our teeth together and Kanyon insisting on lighting the candle and saying the word "Dad" and blowing out the candle broke my heart, and was so tender and adorable at the same time. I was impressed he had remembered after so many weeks had gone by. How do I keep wishing, dreaming, and teaching Kanyon how to do so when our big wish-the one that mattered beyond all others has died and the healing we dreamed upon didn't happen in the flesh?
So I just keep on making wishes with him and trust that everything is perfect just as it is. Just like Darol says in his morning greeting he recorded for me as a surprise early last year and put it on my ipod. I still listen to it, and today in fact, Kanyon took my ipod and was playing with it and got it to play his morning greeting, Kanyon loved hearing his daddy's voice and so did I, he replayed it over and over again until I finally took it from him, we had to go, so mommy could be on time for the Biz Divas meeting. He did not like parting from his daddy's voice and cried hard. I held him and kissed him. No worries we both will listen to it often.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Monday, February 8, 2010
Purple Soldier, Crazy 8
Spent the evening over at my mom's house watching movies, while Kanyon played with all the toys, and watched Care Bears. We watched Julie and Julia, a film Darol had downloaded among others to entertain us during the crazy roller coaster we were riding during his disease. My mom had purchased the movie and had not seen it yet. It was a great movie, I love that it is based on two real stories, it involves a blog, and a love story of great husbands supporting their great wives. My heart celebrated with the film and broke at the same time, longing and knowing that my wonderful husband, biggest cheerleader, and shoulder to lean on is no longer their in the flesh. The film goes through scenes of the married couples lives together, the things that make it all right, sweet, good, tender, and real, from moments in bed talking before sleep, to emotionally stressed out, basket case, freak out sessions with the wife and the husband being the strong stable rock to find footing and legs to stand strong again.
I have felt, seen and experienced the dynamic power of committed couples and what they can accomplish together and how they raise one another up to standing taller. As I watched the film, I wonder how I can now stand in my greatness and reach for my dreams now without that strong physical greatness, and stick- to- it- ivness that Darol provided. I know I will be fine- and that I will not do it alone, I have many wonderful people who love and support me, and I won't give up. And at the same time it is not the same, it never will be. The long tender hugs, having him hold my hand, brushing our teeth together, planting our garden, and planning our lives, photographing his beautiful face, feeling him kiss my forehead, and simply walking side by side, I miss it all. My mom said, "You'll be fine, you just will." Bless her heart, I know I will, and I don't want to settle for 'just fine'- I want to be extraordinary, and that's how Darol made me feel, and our love together was and still is extraordinary, I just want him back in his healthy beautiful body, it was much more fun that way.
I came home and lay my sleeping baby down in bed. I found in the bathroom tub his purple bubble soldier container with the bubble wand and purple neck string, and a white heart shaped attachment for the string to Soldier, that he received as a gift from one of the wonderful women in the kitchen at the PH Miracle Center, where his daddy was struggling daily to live. How ironic that he got a purple soldier, and what a little soldier he has been through this difficult nightmare. He has blown joy into every area he can and continues to catch the bubbles of joy that float through the air. As I pick up his purple soldier, I know that I too, have been blessed and protected by a purple soldier. Literally, I have worn the color every day since his death, enveloping me in the purple acts as a shield, a protection... I feel of loss of how to put it into words with.
Kanyon says, "Hold me, hold me." often. It melts my heart and we hold each other several times daily. Today we sat in the car before going into grandmas listening to the radio and holding each other as I cried.
Friday, Feb. 5th was the official 4 week mark since Darol's death. The evening prior I was up late, I was drawn to his ashes again and was inspired to photograph the box and his ashes, and hold his ashes. I held them in my hands and wept. My right palm near my wrist felt painful, time stopped, and every sense in me was alive and on point, yet still in shock and disbelief of what I held in my hands. I can hardly believe he is gone from his body and that a month has passed. Time warps.
The next morning came fast with only 5 hours of sleep. We had friends come over to support us, and we had a lovely celebration. I decided not to do the "To Do List" and give myself permission to play and to just be. I had to remind myself several times to keep my mind from running a mile a minute and from spinning wheels around my lists and things not on the list. I have been keeping myself very busy, perhaps by choice, perhaps not, or maybe 50/50. I find a lot of paper work, and follow up accompany the time after death.
I received a massage from a friend and she shared a wonderful poem she wrote after the death of her lover, it so beautifully described what I am feeling and going through. A line from her poem spoke of the air not being the same, and that it never will be, so the need to learn how to breath a different way was called for. I realized that we share the same feelings and that the peace in knowing he is among the angels, is no real peace, but a deeper longing to see his face, and hear tales of the adventures he is on.
I dream of him often and in my dreams I am relentless in questioning him on why he was not able to stay, and what it's like where he is, and how it all fits. Darol is patient with me and listens, he doesn't answer me, at least not that I can recall. My spirit seems to get it on some level, even though my brain can't grasp it.
Darol's presence is still near. Earlier in the day, I was searching in his office for a web cam, I placed my hand in a box feeling around for a roundness, (the box had some other stuff on it) I felt something round, pulled it out and found a black 8 ball. Random, and yet not.
Today is the 8th of February.
Kanyon is doing very well with puzzles, it is so fun to see him grow. He loves mastering the pieces and figuring out how it all fits together. I too, am working on picking up the pieces of my life and figuring out how it all looks, how it will work out, and where each of them fit in at, knowing that eventually it will make some sort of sense and that the pieces that I am left with are the perfect pieces, no matter how difficult, no matter that this not how I wanted it, they are the pieces that I have to peace with.
The Traces We Leave Behind. What Traces will be mine?
I love receiving and hearing comments from readers. Thanks.
Us in Chicago 2004
The night Darol proposed to me on the beach with the ring 2004. I have felt, seen and experienced the dynamic power of committed couples and what they can accomplish together and how they raise one another up to standing taller. As I watched the film, I wonder how I can now stand in my greatness and reach for my dreams now without that strong physical greatness, and stick- to- it- ivness that Darol provided. I know I will be fine- and that I will not do it alone, I have many wonderful people who love and support me, and I won't give up. And at the same time it is not the same, it never will be. The long tender hugs, having him hold my hand, brushing our teeth together, planting our garden, and planning our lives, photographing his beautiful face, feeling him kiss my forehead, and simply walking side by side, I miss it all. My mom said, "You'll be fine, you just will." Bless her heart, I know I will, and I don't want to settle for 'just fine'- I want to be extraordinary, and that's how Darol made me feel, and our love together was and still is extraordinary, I just want him back in his healthy beautiful body, it was much more fun that way.
The magical, fairy tale weekend we became an "US"
2002
I came home and lay my sleeping baby down in bed. I found in the bathroom tub his purple bubble soldier container with the bubble wand and purple neck string, and a white heart shaped attachment for the string to Soldier, that he received as a gift from one of the wonderful women in the kitchen at the PH Miracle Center, where his daddy was struggling daily to live. How ironic that he got a purple soldier, and what a little soldier he has been through this difficult nightmare. He has blown joy into every area he can and continues to catch the bubbles of joy that float through the air. As I pick up his purple soldier, I know that I too, have been blessed and protected by a purple soldier. Literally, I have worn the color every day since his death, enveloping me in the purple acts as a shield, a protection... I feel of loss of how to put it into words with.
Kanyon says, "Hold me, hold me." often. It melts my heart and we hold each other several times daily. Today we sat in the car before going into grandmas listening to the radio and holding each other as I cried.
Friday, Feb. 5th was the official 4 week mark since Darol's death. The evening prior I was up late, I was drawn to his ashes again and was inspired to photograph the box and his ashes, and hold his ashes. I held them in my hands and wept. My right palm near my wrist felt painful, time stopped, and every sense in me was alive and on point, yet still in shock and disbelief of what I held in my hands. I can hardly believe he is gone from his body and that a month has passed. Time warps.
The next morning came fast with only 5 hours of sleep. We had friends come over to support us, and we had a lovely celebration. I decided not to do the "To Do List" and give myself permission to play and to just be. I had to remind myself several times to keep my mind from running a mile a minute and from spinning wheels around my lists and things not on the list. I have been keeping myself very busy, perhaps by choice, perhaps not, or maybe 50/50. I find a lot of paper work, and follow up accompany the time after death.
I received a massage from a friend and she shared a wonderful poem she wrote after the death of her lover, it so beautifully described what I am feeling and going through. A line from her poem spoke of the air not being the same, and that it never will be, so the need to learn how to breath a different way was called for. I realized that we share the same feelings and that the peace in knowing he is among the angels, is no real peace, but a deeper longing to see his face, and hear tales of the adventures he is on.
I dream of him often and in my dreams I am relentless in questioning him on why he was not able to stay, and what it's like where he is, and how it all fits. Darol is patient with me and listens, he doesn't answer me, at least not that I can recall. My spirit seems to get it on some level, even though my brain can't grasp it.
Darol's presence is still near. Earlier in the day, I was searching in his office for a web cam, I placed my hand in a box feeling around for a roundness, (the box had some other stuff on it) I felt something round, pulled it out and found a black 8 ball. Random, and yet not.
Today is the 8th of February.
"Puzzled Flight. "
Kanyon is doing very well with puzzles, it is so fun to see him grow. He loves mastering the pieces and figuring out how it all fits together. I too, am working on picking up the pieces of my life and figuring out how it all looks, how it will work out, and where each of them fit in at, knowing that eventually it will make some sort of sense and that the pieces that I am left with are the perfect pieces, no matter how difficult, no matter that this not how I wanted it, they are the pieces that I have to peace with.
The Traces We Leave Behind. What Traces will be mine?
"Traces Left Behind"I love receiving and hearing comments from readers. Thanks.
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