My heart aches and waves of emotions flood me, to the point I sometimes go into denial being busy with this and that, and fearing that if I really do explore deeply the intense emotions I am feeling and facing that I will be engulfed by them and will be rendered useless. Then as I write these words I know they are the very source of energy that will allow me to move forward.
Today was an exceptionally difficult day. My lover is in pain from his tumors and my baby, Kanyon is feverish with a runny nose. Then to top it all off -I had the opportunity to give Darol a massage during his lunch at home; touching, seeing, and feeling his body has always been a pleasure, and this time it was bitter sweet. I was confronted with all my senses of how serious and overwhelming all this is. Discovering new lumps, I was unaware of, and feeling, seeing my lover be in pain, and feeling so helpless and out of control. I focused my attention on loving him and bringing him some physical relaxation. Not an easy task when Kanyon wants to nurse me at the same time. What a moment to remember, as Kanyon says, " DAD", and wants to touch and rub his daddy too. Darol is journeying through physical pain, and no doubt emotional too. I am journeying through much pain myself although it is different.
Darol came home from work today and went straight to bed. Kanyon has been sleeping too.
(The three of use dressed to join a party at the place Kanyon was born in the early evening. )My heart is filled with sadness as the changes in our lives already are setting in. Darol not feeling well, did not join Kanyon and me for his first Trick or Treating experience on Halloween. It's difficult to even begin to feel the pain let alone express what is coming up for me. In many ways I feel as if I am being eased into what it's like to be a single parent. I fear this intensely. So many layers and levels came up for me with Darol missing out on this experience with Kanyon. I fear he will not get another opportunity to see our son light up with excitement on Halloween night and receive all the treats in store at every door.
Our 7 year anniversary of being an US was this weekend yet a lot of stuff (like figuring out what Darol will eat, chores, laundry, etc.) gets in the way of actually being together. Darol remembered our anniversary and reminded me of it when he mentioned that the IPod he gifted me (and I knew he had ordered) was just in time for our anniversary. I looked at him puzzled thinking of our wedding anniversary which is several months ahead. Than it hit me...I had actually forgotten, really forgotten. I had been so consumed with everything else that has been going on and doing the best to keep it together each day, that it didn't even cross my mind. I typically celebrate monthly our togetherness, so this was way out of the usual Springdome. It felt great the he was the one to bring it up and remember. The fact that he remembered was better than getting an ipod. I do like the ipod. Thanks Love!
When I told Darol that I forgot he didn't believe me...at first. I didn't feel bad about not doing anything for it. The main thing for us is to give the recognition of our love and mark the time we have covered together.
I feel it's time for a date night.
Time for bed too.
Love you Spring!
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