Easter

I am sad. I miss Darol. I played the Bunny tonight alone after Kanyon went to sleep. Before we went to brush our teeth I found a few love notes Darol had written to me a long time ago in a notebook. I just cried. They are such precious gifts to have. I cried hard after brushing our teeth and in our medicine cabinet where Darol's cologne still remains, I opened it and took a whiff. It smelled so wonderful. Kanyon wanted to put some on, so I let him, then he put my perfume on. He went to bed smelling of his mommy and daddy. When we went to bed I just balled, with the aroma of Darol lingering on Kanyon I was flooded with all the pent up emotion and sadness of  how much I miss him. I don't feel like I have cried enough. I don't understand how and why this has happened, and as time passes I wake up more to the reality of his absence, like the shock is wearing off, I still can't believe that he's gone.
What a joy to have found those notes I had not remembered, like discovering them again for the first time. Like he knew I needed to read them. The line that really got me was the one where he said, "love, I want you to know that I am committed to making your dream 'our' dream."
Gosh, I love that man, he loved me and when I was with him, I felt so alive, and joyful. I miss that joy. I miss who I was with him around.
It's time for bed now. It's late, crying I take myself to bed.