First Post Of Year Two Being Widowed

How do I catch you up and really convey what it's like going through grief.  I made it through the one year mile mark. It was a difficult day, filled with tears, love,gifts, breakdown, and a trip to lava hot springs with my sister.
Kanyon turned 3. Valentines day came and went. The reality is still settling. Breakdowns happen. I have given myself permission to now tell people when they ask how my business is doing that I have pushed the ' pause' button. I was telling them that it was trickle and slow and was perfect for my process, all truth. Now I am just giving myself more permission to not feel guilty about not driving my business or life when the motivation and desire just isn't there. Crossing the year mark I felt something, that is rather difficult to describe, unless you have tasted a strawberry, how do you describe it? This certainly was not comparable to the sweetness of a strawberry. I felt a little bit stronger, like invisibly I had been knighted for getting through a hellish experience and survived it. With the passing of the year mark I felt the expectation I had picked up, adopted, or whatever, of moving on, or that somehow now everything would get better, I would be better. Not the case. Every day is different. Some days are good, some are not, some are mixed with both.

I had a counselor tell me, "Spring, nobody tells you after a loss like this- Well, be prepared because the next two years are going to be hell."  She then explained that most people take two years to get to a place where they can function again, start to feel like they want to build their life again, be ready to date, and start to feel alive again. The first year is marked mostly by shock and the second is reality hit.

So World here is my statement about how I am doing and what I am doing-here's my justification for myself and those expecting more out of a widow than is possible:  I AM DOING THE BEST I KNOW HOW. I AM BUSY MAKING TEAR SOUP. I AM RECALIBRATING MY ENTIRE LIFE. I AM GRIEVING THE LOSS OF MY HUSBAND. THIS IS A LOT OF HARD WORK, IT MAY NOT LOOK LIKE I AM DOING MUCH, BUT THAT IS BECAUSE YOU HAVE NOT EXPERIENCED WHAT I HAVE. SO GOODBYE TO THE GUILT MONKEY THAT RINGS IN MY HEAD, TO DO MORE, BE MORE, CHANGE THE WORLD, SEND AND LIVE YOUR MESSAGE, LIFE IS PRECIOUS SO WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR GIFT?- I AM BEING THE BEST I CAN, DOING MY BEST TO LIVE LOVE AND ENJOY MY LIFE. RIGHT NOW THAT IS ENOUGH.