Last Day of the Year- Our Anniversary is here.

What's it like waking up every morning knowing that you don't get to see your best friend, hear their voice, play together anymore, make breakfast together, surprise or plan a birthday party for, be there to surprise you on your birthday, shop and wrap for Santa and share the brilliance of your little boy's eyes on Christmas morning, hold their hand, kiss, hug, and dream with ever again in this dimension? What's it like to have it all and then have him taken away? What's it like to wake from a dream where we are all together again only to find you're still a single parent? What do you do when your baby is ill and needs something from the market and you're too exhausted and he doesn't want to leave the house because he doesn't feel good? 
What do you do with a closet full of his clothes, that he will never come home to wear again?
What do you do with a room full of his electronics, and stuff?
What do you believe in when the one thing you put all your belief in didn't happen, and the miracle that your heart longed for, begged for, and pleaded, wasn't granted?

"Send a Question in the wind,
It's hard to know where to begin......" -Song by Sia, Lullaby

What's it like each passing day, with each holiday or anniversary without your beloved?
I long for time to stand still and for my moments to linger, for each day that passes by and each holiday, brings me more aware of the truth of how long it's been since I kissed his lips, felt his touch, and looked into his eyes.
Each mile mark that Kanyon takes or has is wonderful and in the same breath filled with sadness because Darol isn't there to celebrate with me.
Today is our 6 year Wedding Anniversary and New Year's eve. I morn the loss of our dreams that didn't and won't happen of  traveling abroad together, raising Kanyon together, becoming pregnant together this year, and growing old together.  Life trumps on like it or not, parties are held, seasons change, snow falls, and the end of the Year is here.

Soon it will be the one year marker of Darol's transition day. I dread this day, it's the first of many if I am lucky enough to keep my commitment to stay this life out and be here for Kanyon and make my life count for something.  

How can life be so exquisitely beautiful, wonderful, and in the same moment so intensely painful at the same  time?
Possible? Yes. I have experienced it this year.
 
As you can see I have many more questions than I have answers for.

This last few weeks of my Birthday, Christmas, and then Darol's Birthday was difficult, Darol's birthday in particular. Sometimes it feels like I am walking in a dream- in a zombie type mode, simply going through the motions, only half alive, depressed, angry, and then a hard cry will finally break the zombie and wake me up to the aliveness in me again, and I can once again feel the joy that is constant around me.

I have a theory, and I have come by it through this experience with Darol, I happened upon it while we were at the healing center after Darol had his seizure, I had a breakdown in my car and cried so hard I thought my eyes were going to fall out or that I was simply going to cry so hard I couldn't breath again. After I had that emotional clearing of a cry of that depth, I could once again laugh and feel true joy. Not just the laugh at someones joke or put on a happy face kind of smile, but a real smile. I ran back to Darol and shared my discovery and theory, "If you can't Cry, you can't Laugh, and if you can't laugh, you can't Live."
I find this true. I witnessed Darol shut down not only physically, but emotionally as well. Perhaps, this is simply the process of death and transitioning.
I read in an article about the producers of the T.V. episode The Biggest Loser, that the double digit weight loss weeks were always superseded by a breakdown. The producer said that Tears always weigh more than the fat on your body.

My advice to myself, Cry more and more often. I really believe that it is healthy to cry daily, just as much as it is to laugh. It's not an easy thing to do in a culture where crying is reserved for alone moments. Kanyon doesn't like me crying much, he tells me, "Mom, Be Happy." I listen to him and I give myself a few moments to cry, letting him know that it's ok to be sad and to cry, and to miss Daddy Cakes, and then I get back into the reality of-now- filled with a joyful little boy who is growing all too fast. It's a fine balance and only the person having the cry can know when it's complete for the moment or needs to be shelved for later, or taken deeper and dealt with in that now moment before it's forever stuffed and hard walls form, all without being swept away into the depression despair department.

It's hard to know where to begin, and it's also hard to know where to end.

Perhaps this is why we have endings to our years and beginnings of new ones.

Yet the year doesn't really end, time continues on, we just call it something different.

Kinda like love, it doesn't end, it just looks different. 

Celebrating Success of The Studio up and Running again!

 I am grateful for the blessings I have in my life and I am doing my best to celebrate my life, in spite of my grief and not liking the outcome with Darol. I am feeling stronger and have made progress to continue to move forward in my life. My studio being up and running again is worth celebrating! How can I not smile when I look at that beautiful Kanyon Smile?
He is such a super STAR! I am so thankful for him every day!

Sad Spring This Summer

I have been silent and in deep grief. I hit a wall sometime in June and basically stopped most of my movement and drive toward business, and began realizing the trauma and magnitude of loss that I experienced and am thawing to. I slowed way down. My time spent on being mom,finishing projects (slowly), going on summer outings with Kanyon, and the welcomed roller coaster distractions of dating. 

August has been extremely difficult as it has been a mile marker for many dates, from the day Darol showed me his lump- the 15th, to the day we received the crushing diagnosis, the 28th- that has forever changed our world. I am in huge disbelief that it has been a year since we walked out of that hospital with hope for healing in our hearts. I never thought I would be where I am today. I feel like it is all still so fresh, like time just stopped for me, and I am just catching up with harsh whiplash from it all. I was told back in February that I was doing very well and that I was in shock and not to be surprised when the devastation hit in a few months.
I thought at the time those were well meaning words and that this did not have to be my experience. Truth, this was indeed my experience and I am thankful to the words given so that at least I didn't feel like I was completely mad. The devastation did hit me and it hit me hard. No doubt I am still going through it. Although, Sunday, after an appointment with my healer/massage therapist, I feel as if the depression cloud has drifted off and a small ray of light that holds my natural joy has begun to softly sing in the distance.

Depression, devastation, lost, not caring about much except for Kanyon, and an overall dark cloud, that I wasn't able to shake despite my best attempts at all my positive bag of tricks. All the fun outings and trips to lakes, or time with friends, were enjoyable to a degree, but it has been tainted with sadness, and a degree of separation, nothing being as sweet, even food not tasting as fun, and a large fear mounted daily that my joy would never return. I wondered if a part of me died with him and that this is just how life would be now, which wasn't leaving me much incentive to want to stay it out. Thank God for Kanyon, he has brought so much joy into every day and it would be much easier to check out without him.

The good news is- I feel less bad today and a glimmer of light is still in me somewhere, I just know it. I actually got inspired by an article I read the other day about Toms shoes, and the owner who founded the company. Feeling inspired, even a little at this time is big for me. Dreaming, goal planning, moving forward, taking action, and being pretty clear about my path and purpose seemed to disappear. Since the path and foundation which I was building and co-creating with my lover in all my dreams is now deduced to me, I feel I am at ground Zero and I now is the time to get clear on what the rebuilding will look like.

For now my plan is to take the time I need to be with myself and Kanyon through our grieving, and focus on finding my passion and purpose, allow it to bubble up in the most organic natural way possible, and when I am inspired and on fire with it then take action. Until then I am being the best way I know how.

The other day after a bath I put on a special T-shirt of Darol's, one that he got the weekend we became an "US" on Canon Beach, I would rub the starfish patch logo flirtatiously, since it resided over his nipple, and tease him that it would glow if I rubbed it long enough. He wore that shirt often and expected me to rub it every time. When Kanyon saw me putting on his Daddy's shirt he got so excited, jumping up and down said, " I need Dad's shirt, I need wear my Dad's shirt too."  "You do, hu?" as I opened the doors wider,  "U, hu." he answered, still jumping. "Which one?" He picked a bright colorful Hawaiian shirt. It was so cute. He put it on and I buttoned it for him, and mind you, it was the only thing he was wearing, since we just got out of the bath. He ran around the house with a joyful squeal and a glee all over his face.  Yes, this did bring me joy.

Yesterday while walking I met an couple out tending their yard in my neighborhood; I had met them briefly before. We had a bit of a chat and they shared with me that they had lived in their home for 30 years and they had been married for 60 years. They built their house together. The wife boasting about how her husband "built the house with his own hands", and he responded proudly that she was "the sewage digger".  The husband told me he was a "Yes, Dear." Man for 30 years of it. I asked him what he was for the other half and he replied, "Ok. I'll do it."
 That reminded me of Darol in the way he would always say, "It's all about you Love." I shared with them how truly envious I was of what they have, and of my loss. I of course dreamed of growing old with him and building a house together. We ended our conversation on me saying, "Enjoy your time together, it's truly a precious thing." Our time here with the ones we love is a very precious thing.

Last night I dreamed of Darol, and for the first time since his passing, I was able to touch him in my dream. I sat on his lap and kissed him, it was wonderful to be held by him again, to kiss him and hug him. He said nothing, I said nothing. He even rubbed my feet, what a treat that was, I miss that so much! He rubbed my feet like nobody else can. In my dream I knew he was not alive and that it was simply a visit.

Tonight Kanyon and I watched videos of  Darol on my computer. I had not done that for a long time and seeing Darol again, was wonderful, and bittersweet. I held Kanyon and we went from video to video, he enjoyed it, asking for more. I was surprised that I was not crying. Kanyon after a while got sad and turned his face into my chest with a frown and tears in his eyes. I held him and opened the space, letting him know with a whisper, " it's ok to cry, I miss him too."  After a few minutes of that, when Kanyon had shifted, then my tears came.

I have been experiencing many rainbows this summer, and much rain and tears. Every time I see a rainbow now it seems more significant, since usually I tend to cry with the rain, it reminds me that joy will be mine again.

I read a blog entry by Leonie Wolff, who does a workshop, Passionate Sadness: Living Through and Thriving Beyond The Death of Your Life Partner, and felt her entry about Dancing With Grief to be wonderfully descriptive. She asks the question, "What is the dance like today?"

"I seek the understanding of the question: What is the dance today? Fast, slow, wild, quiet? Is it a dance of inertia or a dance of chaos? In the dance, I feel the rhythm… The pace… First I yield and allow myself to be lead… Then when it feels right… I take the lead. In contra dancing (my passion) there is a move called a ‘gypsy’ where you look deeply into the eyes of your partner and dance around in a circle… Allowing the energy to pull you both into a powerful swing. I gypsy with the Grief Monster and choose the moment of… Contact. And surrender to the dance. Grief can not be ignored, fought, finished, processed, analyzed or gone around… It must be gone through.
Grief has no ‘closure’…. Closure is a myth. As there are no ‘stages’.  Grief remains an ever present shadow… A shadow that I will not be engulfed by… But I also do not deny."-Leonie Wolff

Marbles a Mess

Five months have passed since Darol transitioned. The actual anniversary date marking the 8th of June was fairly easy. Today has been hard as I have found myself sinking into despair and depression. Overwhelmed with life, the unfinished life we began together, the tears, the anger, the frustration, the sadness, and the reality settling in that he is not coming home, that I get to do it all on my own. Nothing seems sweet today, food doesn't taste the same, and even though I have a nack for finding the beauty in everything and today I did recognize the beauty of this day, it still is not the same, and it sucks. I feel like I am a mess and my marbles are scattered all over the place. I just want to leave all my marbles and,  Today I just want to fly home.

Perhaps a bath, some sleep, and a new day and I will be ok?

It's not entirely true that I want to leave all my marbles, the one thing I always love and care for is Kanyon.
It's just that today I find myself not wanting to care about much, like what's the point, I know this is temporary,even though the reality of Darol is not, and honoring the feelings that are coming up in me and actually allowing them space, even though it has been filled with doing my commitments is better than stuffing them entirely.

Wearing His Shirt and Standing In My Own Shoes

I have been silent on this blog for a while, so where to begin...
A whirlwind of events and things to do, wondering when and how to create the time to check in with myself to see how do I do?

It's moment to moment, some days better than others, the shock has subsided a bit.

Kanyon has been riding his own wave of course and a brave little man indeed. I have observed him go through anger, compassion, crying, and being strong and bold for his mom.
He is brilliant indeed.
I find Kanyon says often, "Go HOME. Go HOME." when we are home. He says, "Mom, Dad, Mom, Dad" often. I don't want to put ideas in his head so I ask him what he means by, "Go HOME". Sometimes he mentions his dad shortly after...which freaks me out a bit, because of course I prefer Kanyon to stay at home with me, and I fear the thought of loosing him too.
The other day I pulled a blanket from the armoire where Darol's clothes still reside, and Kanyon stopped me from closing the doors and insisted I open them. He pointed to a shirt his dad wore often, which was originally mine, with his little finger pointing and his excited little dance, I pulled out the shirt and gave it to him, " You want your Dad's shirt."  He was thrilled and put it on buttoning the buttons- I had to grab my camera and of course capture the moment with tears welling in my eyes.

When he was complete and wanted to take off the shirt, after running around in it for some time, it was my turn.
Instantly as I swung the shirt around my shoulders I felt his presence strong and his embrace. I sunk into it and couldn't hold back the tears mixed with gratitude and sadness. I settled into the floor and cried propped against the bed, with Kanyon nestling into my lap, saying, "Mom cry."  We comforted each other and snuggled. I slept in his shirt and wore it well into the next day. A day full of dance and emotional movement literally-singing, screaming, jumping on the trampoline, crying, punching the air, kicking, punching the couch (Kanyon joined me in couch cushin punching), until I was completely tuckered out.

This week has been filled with magical moments and a few really needed emotional releases of my own.

I didn't realize when I moved into my neighborhood how many widows were surrounding us. There are no accidents. The neighbors are wonderfully sweet and supportive, forgiving my long lawn and weeds gone wild.

I found myself reminiscing over the loves I have lived, and remembered that I was once engaged to a man who was a fresh widower of only months. So- I know what it's like to be on the other end of that type of relationship, and recognize that I had no clue as to what he may have been going through. I thought he was bipolar, now I question that and wonder if it was simply grief, coming out in ways that I was not equipped to recognize.

I began my starter seeds for the garden and they were looking really lovely, then I left them out and lost them all to a cold, hard, night.

I feel so overwhelmed at times, with duties, emotions, and I have so many wonderful opportunities opening up to me, I feel I barely have time to digest one experience before the next one comes flooding in. I can only describe it as wave that I ride... like an incoming tide, sometimes it is soft and smooth, and at other times choppy and wild leaving me battered and feeling bruised. The wave always seems to find a peace and calm after a bit of a storm, and then I am left washed, strong, and vibrant once again.

I have never felt as alive, vibrant, and numb, vulnerable, weak, strong and powerful, sexy and secure, wild and graceful all in the same day as I have experienced in these last four months since my foundation was shook to the deepest depths and core, on that day he took his final breath.

I am blessed and touched to witness Kanyon as he grows and to recognize and feel grateful for my own growth.

Married?

Over the weekend at a fabulous party, I found myself perplexed when I was asked the question, "So, are you married?" I stood there checking in with myself to find a way to answer this simple question, that in that moment felt so complicated. "Yes. .....Yes. I am." nodding my head slowly, as I reaffirmed that I am indeed married in my heart. The person asking the question came in close, held my hands and with kind eyes asked what I meant. "I am a widow, he passed in January." The response was shock and a hug.

Not a day, or hardly moments that go by that I am not thinking of him.

Yesterday I found myself chasing Kanyon around on one of his riding toys, I was riding one and he another. I rode into the bedroom and turned around to go out. In passing, I stopped at the armoire that holds all of Darol's clothes. Pulled out a drawer and smelled the roses. Kanyon joined me in smelling his daddy, he pulled out a few undies and put them back. Kanyon went off and I stood there with the doors open and held his clothes. I full on hugged them and sank into them as I cried, allowing them to hold me back. I felt Darol standing there and felt him among his clothes.

Kanyon came in and pulled me into his world with a hug and a tug, " Sorry Mom....Come Mom. Come.""

2 am Poem Rant

Am I doing ok?
Am I doing fine?
Wait....Let me check the time.
I am doing, doing, getting things done..
Is this my life? What happened to my hone?
Breathe. Remember to breathe.

A whirl wind rushes in, as I felt it for a moment,
Suddenly I am swept up and away into the next wave moments,
So I ride it, this wave, with its up and downs, 
I can barley keep up, sometimes I fear I may drown.

The Ring, Ring, Bling, Bling,
How did I get myself into this thing,
Is it worth my sweat, my time, precious time,
Is it?
I ask, while I look for my mind.

My heart, and my freedom, time for me?
to be in this life,
I just want to Be.
To Take time to breathe,
to listen to the soft sound of my son as he says, " Mom"... Wanting my attention,
to play and be free, to feel the sand beneath my feet,
Desires To feel again his hug, his skin, and his kiss upon my chin.

Every little detail comes rushing in.
Remembering the sweet sound of his voice, and the taste of his skin.
The way he stood with his hands placed just so,
Tapping the floss as he hands it to me, the sound his feet as he walks in the room,
The ways he sweeps me off my feet and handles a broom.
Yummy treats and things to eat, a Delicious feast whipped up in a jiffy, and no- he wasn't nifty.

I'd mind not -to loose a thousand lids and clean up a thousand more messes, just to have him alive and well again.
I'd give just about everything, every diamond ring, just to hear him sing.

I searched as a small child for ' The World's Greatest Dad',
Bought a broach to give to this man....kept it for many years.
Yes!- I Found this man and Yes I did give it to him,
When our son was born.
He didn't live long enough for our small boy to say
these four words to him and smile with joy. 

Sad But True
Now-What do I Do?.
Will this Blue bird of Happiness come visit you?

I dream of him often, this I do, and it's not quite the same, yet
it will have to do.

Dream land is calling
So off I go- with my little lad
at the nipple,
We are off  hoping to greet him.

As my head meets the pillow, my heart calls to him once more,
as I give thanks for another day that I was graced to watch as my son play.

Living Life In Love- two months since my love transitioned.

Life is still lovely and exciting for me. It has been a busy wave of a time for me and Kanyon. I went into major action creating and preparing the launch of my new website springphotography.com, creating new business cards, and preparing to be the main photographer and vendor/exhibitor at the Ignite Your Spark event by Illuminated Woman illuminatedwoman.com . All this while being a great mom having a bit of fun, and doing some house lovin' from time to time. I did have support from my fabulous friends and family that showed up in times of need to tend Kanyon, come clean my house, assist me in filing backed up paper piles, assist me in my taxes and preparing them, rescuing my clogged drain and leaky faucets, gift healing sessions, assist me in my booth set up and tear down, computer support, web assistance, business card printing, picking up lens rentals, packing and loading the truck for the event (which entailed packing carefully 13 large canvas prints), unpacking and rehanging said canvas prints, ordering me pizza and coming over when I was in total exhaustion and felt like I couldn't do it alone and doing the remaining dishes in my sink, and in many other wonder ways. I am filled with gratitude for the people who love and support me, seen and unseen, near and far. I am filled with gratitude for those who I don't even know and yet they support me by providing me water, electricity, food to eat year round, and  the one who created fun shoes for me buy.

I am in gratitued for the transformative experience of the Ignite Your Spark event and to Angela Johnson who held the vision and space for it to happen. I have had many break throughs with this event. I went in one woman and came out a whole new more inspired, empowered, and fabulous, loving myself woman. It was so fantastic seeing Angela's vision come true and mine as well. I was right there with her envisioning Lisa Nichols at this event.  It was such a blast! I even got to dance when the African drummers and dancers came to perform.
After all was said and done I found myself totally exhausted and sat down in the back of the room to stretch and relax my sore back that had been carrying two heavy cameras for two very long days. My friend Angela G. (different Angela) came and offered a massage to my shoulders. I graciously accepted. I found myself moved to tears and then found another friend in front of me offering a hug. I gave into the release with her presence and let go with a flow of tears. I felt myself then surrounded by women in a cocoon of sisterly love. I allowed myself to release in this safe sacred space to land. It was wonderful to be embrace by these woman and know that this too was ok, that I have a community to support me and embrace me, hold me, and support me when I am vulnerable.  Thank you ladies for showing up for me!

 

Me cocooned by my Sister Tribe. Image by Lauri Cox. What she has posted on facebook about this image and moment:

"I got to witness one of the most beautiful moments last night after Ignte your Spark was over. Two intense days that many are forever changed by. I got to witness many women who got to own there life, revealed their 1st steps to their new amazing journey, many breakthroughs, many tears, much kinship and uniting, amazing empowerment.
This moment pictured, for me, depicts the true meaning of unbreakable sisterhood. One women's tribe showing up for her in her moments of vulnerability and complete authenticity. The woman in me honors the women in you. This brings me such JOY." -Lauri Cox

I am so on fire since this event that I have chosen into starting another business that I am thrilled to share with everyone. This has been getting me up early and keeping me up late. My creativity is on fire! I am also creating a magic space in the room that we planned on using for Darol's healing room.  Opportunities abound.

I am also grateful to a friend Trish Withus of There Is Only Love thereisonlylove.com for the session she gifted me last night in where I was able to receive messages from Darol and have some of my questions answered. It was a delightful experience.

Darol and me in Santa Barbara 2004.
Yesterday was the two month anniversary marking Darol's transition. All in all, a good day, although I miss him greatly in the flesh, to hold, to kiss, to see him, and look into his beautiful ocean eyes, to have his hug and have him crack my back calling me his rice crispy treat,  and watching him love Kanyon and throw him in the air. God how I miss him!

I still feel him today only in a much different way. In fact the morning after the marathon event Ignite Your Spark, at home standing at the stove chopping some cucumber, Kanyon playing with magnets on the fridge, Kanyon says in a slightly surprised elevated tone, "Dad!" I look over at him and I felt Darol move from Kanyon over to me and place his hand on mine, he wrapped his arms around me and held me from behind, just like he would do in the flesh. I know when he is around because I feel it in my body. I feel tingles in my left side from my head to my toes. It felt so good to be in his arms again, I sunk into is embrace and cried. It felt so wonderful and real, just as if he was alive and home again. He communicated to me without words in his embrace how he saw me and that he wanted me to know he was and is with me and Kanyon and that he loves us!